"Wild Hogs" - Recap and Review

Discussion in 'Reader Reviews' started by Ash J. Williams, Mar 4, 2007.

  1. Ash J. Williams

    Ash J. Williams New Member

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    If you're wondering why this is on a horror forum, just read on. If I can prevent one innocent from seeing this movie, then the hour I spent writing it will not have been spent in vain.


    Part I:

    "Wild Hogs [Abridged Version]"


    -Open on scene of 4 men riding motorcycles down a suburban street set against a classic rock soundtrack. These are Doug, Woody, Bobby, and Dudley.

    -Doug, Woody, and Bobby are cool. Dudley falls down.

    MONTAGE OF CHARACTER INTRODUCTIONS

    DOUG

    -30-seconds of Doug failing to be an effective father and husband.

    -30 more seconds showing the monotony of Doug's high-paying but dull Dentist profession.

    BOBBY

    -Bobby is black. He has a controlling wife and annoying kids, who are never seen again.

    DUDLEY

    -Dudley fails at hitting on a girl due to a hilarious and clever circumstance involving coffee and a computer. Dudley falls down.

    WOODY

    -Woody has lost his supermodel wife and is now penniless. He is so short that he cannot pay the neighborhood lawn raking child 10 dollars to rake his extremely large lawn. This is funny because he yells at a small child for not doing a lot of work.

    END CHARACTER INTRODUCTIONS

    -Scene starring Doug where he continues to be a failure.

    -Establishing scene in which the idea of a cross-country road-trip comes up. Woody leaves in a fit of anger at his three closest friends because they cannot leave their jobs, families and lives to go on a road-trip with his friend they don't know is now completely alone. This is funny because it suggests that Woody is frustrated with life, as are all the other men, thus giving them motive to leave their jobs, families and lives for a cross-country road trip.

    -Sequence of group riding motorcycles down a common street set against a classic rock soundtrack. Dudley falls down.

    -The group sets off, throwing away their technology and cell phones, because there's no way 4 suburban middle-aged men could come across any kind of trouble while riding motorcycles across the United States. Dudley screws up.

    -Sequence of group riding motorcycles across a great distance set against a classic rock soundtrack. Hilarity ensues.

    -Scene with the group camping, and due to a hilarious and yet believable accident involving a flaming marshmallow, the flame-retardant camping gear goes up in flames. Dudley throws a bucket of lighter fluid onto the fire thinking it's water. This is funny because it sets a good example and makes a good point.

    -Scene where, due to a hilarious serious of unpredictable mix-ups, a cop believes the group to be gay lovers. The punchline here is that the cop is gay. This is funny because gay people are socially awkward and funny to laugh at because they are gay.

    -Sequence of group riding motorcycles across a great distance set against a classic rock soundtrack. Not too much hilarity ensues, but this is for effect, because we want to give the audience a break from all the hilarity that has already ensued.

    -Scene in a biker bar. We meet Jack. He's a bad man who's not afraid to yell at 4 ineffectual men who have unwittingly crossed into his territory. There is another biker in the group, the Del Fuegos, who is large and stupid, and wants to rape Bobby. This is funny because many large, stupid male bikers want to rape random people.

    -The group is chased out of the bar and is sent home. Woody stops and goes back, covertly sneaking around the bar and cutting the gas lines on the Del Fuegos' bikes, and stealing back Dudley's lost bike. This is funny because you should always cut gas lines in areas featuring many gas tanks and chain smokers.

    -The group deems Woody a hero due to his casual lying about what really happened. This is funny because best friends should always lie to one another when there is no real reason to.

    -They continue back in their original intended direction. The Del Fuegos give chase but soon discover that their gas lines have been cut. Jack unknowingly drops his cigarette and the bar explodes. This is funny because large explosions featuring many near deaths are inherently funny and belong in a good comedy.

    -Woody is the only one to see the explosion, and he does not tell the others, nor redeem his lie. They merely continue, and due to Woody's being rushed by the inevitable incoming swarm of angry killer bikers, they don't fill up on gas and run out in the middle of the desert. This is funny because it is original and has never been done in Spaceballs or any other classic comedy.

    -A little while down the road, perhaps after four hours or so of walking in the desert, the group finds a small town and goes there for cool sustenance. We meet Maggie, the waitress. Dudley instantly falls in love, but stumbles in his speech because he is neurotic and socially impotent. This is funny because no one is like this in real life and this original depiction of an interesting comic relief character is original and funny.

    -The group decides to spend the night in the town for the Chile Cook-Off. The promise of fun to be had is made by Charley, the town Sheriff, as he spins the yarn of how last year someone's throat started to bleed. This is funny.

    -The group decides to go Bull Slapping, which is, amazingly, exactly what it sounds like. The group are attacked by the bull and two of them are very nearly killed in horrific yet hilarious attacks not seen on screens since 2006's Nacho Libre. This is funny because it shows how being rammed from behind by a rampaging bull is not only safe, but funny, too, and all your friends should try it.

    -The Del Fuegos, mad at the loss of their precious desert biker bar, which a great biker had built there, in the before time, in the long long ago, decide to plot revenge. They send out bikers to all neighboring towns and two of them find their way to the current setting. They could end our protagonists' lives by themselves, but are instructed by Jack, via telephone, not to harm them in any way. So, in an unpredictable turn of events, Bobby, confident that they will not harm him for fear of the lawsuit Woody told them they would receive [note: this never actually happened], decides to squirt mustard and ketchup in their faces, and splash beer on them. This is funny because it is inventive, and has never ever been done before in movies.

    -Throughout the last few scenes, Dudley has fallen, broken something, or stumbled at least 5 times. Dudley is a lovable character.

    -The group is the hit of the party, and the town loves them. Dudley has gotten the proverbial girl and all seems right, except to Woody, who knows that the band of enraged bikers is coming very soon to kill them and destroy the town, but he doesn't say anything to his friends or the denizens of the town because he's a believable character who cares more about protecting his own image than the safety of 500 people. A touchingly tragic idea for a film so rich in laughter, and one ripe for family discussion.

    -The next day, the Del Fuegos arrive. It took them a day because it only took the protagonists 4 hours by foot, and walking is faster than motorcycling. The stage is set for a climactic showdown, as Woody details the truth of his lies to the group. Dudley is kidnapped, and is going to be put to death by savage, helpless beating in a matter of minutes unless our protagonists can materialize $50,000. This is funny because it is understandable that a group of bikers may not comprehend the amount of money that 50,000 dollars is, despite riding, together, approximately 1,000,000 dollars worth of heavy transportational machinery.

    -The three remaining members of the crew attempt an epic rescue mission, which would save Dudley but leave the town effectively unguarded and doomed, but this doesn't matter.

    -The rescue mission fails, and the next 10 minutes feature Dudley, Woody, Bobby and Doug being savagely beaten, and repeatedly standing back up. This impresses the town and they decide to bring all their baseball bats and clubs and maces and axes and chain saws and flamethrowers out to face the group of 50. This does nothing to impede them, but incredibly, and totally unexpectedly, the great old biker who built the bar that burned down emerges. He convinces Jack and his men to let the boys go, because he is being a "Poser." Jack responds, "Okay, Pop." This twist is incredible and will surely blow any of the audience's collective minds that haven't already been blown.

    -The town saved, and our boys heroes, Bobby's wife shows up at an opportune moment to give her boy hell. While screaming at her hubby, Bobby mildly raises his tone of voice to silence her, and tells her that she is talking at him, and that she should stop and give him a little love. She agrees and their marital difficulties are henceforth voided. This is believable because all serious relationship issues can be solved by the male raising his voice.

    -The group say goodbye and continue on their way to the Pacific coast. They ride off into the sunset. Dudley falls. The audience erupts in uproarious laughter.

    -The group make it to their destination and oggle the pretty young beach girls. It looks as if Dudley is going to fall, but then everyone else falls and Dudley laughs, solidifying Wild Hogs as the most supremely audience-manipulating comedy of this millenium.

    -Roll credits.




    Part II:

    Review/Impressions




    Wild Hogs is horrible. It is the least funny, least inventive, least original, least entertaining, most annoying, most stupifying [did I even spell that right? Jesus...], lousy, awful, horrendous comedy I have ever seen in a theater. My brother and I honestly wanted to leave 30 minutes in, but I knew that if we did I could never bring this review to you fine people. I have made a promise to myself that, since I lasted through Wild Hogs, no other movie will ever make me leave the theater. I know that I can make it through anything.

    Here are some things that are more funny than Wild Hogs:

    A Budweiser commercial.

    One ineffective flatulation.

    A bobby pin.

    The Holocaust.

    And I'm seriously considering saying "Carlos Mencia."

    I implore you all to never see this film. Don't see it in the theater. Don't buy it on DVD. Don't buy it on HD-DVD, or Blu-Ray. Don't rent it from Netflix or Blockbuster or anywhere else. Don't download it. If you feel you have to see it, please, make sure you are paid handsomely. I have never seen a greater waste of talent in my life, and I include The Wicker Man '06 in that statement (which, actually, was vastly more entertaining film than Wild Hogs).

    I did not laugh once in the theater. Not ONCE. No other movie can I say that about. In fact, every time the audience laughed, I felt dumber being around them. Hell, even the trailer for Will Ferrel/Jon Heder Iceskating Comedy made me laugh once, nervously. I felt that if I laughed at anything in Wild Hogs I would feel like I had to go to Hell.

    Don't see this movie. Don't think about this movie. Forget this movie exists, I beg you. If there is ever a Wild Hogs 2, I swear to God, I will hunt down every living soul who bought a ticket (including my brother, who basically forced me to see it by not wanting to see Zodiac - like an asshole) and remove their respective abilities to reproduce. I beg you...

    Don't see Wild Hogs.
     
  2. onebyone

    onebyone Guest

    :lol:

    Worse than the trailer for the Will Ferrel/Jon Heder Iceskating Comedy? That's bad. Very bad.

    I have no real interest in seeing this, despite how much money it opened to. (It opened to a good chunk of change, so sadly, you may have to go on a killing spree.) However, your review was a great read. You should do more. They are always, always awesome.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 4, 2007
  3. Spacevis

    Spacevis There's some Dettol in the jeep!

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    I don't know... William H. Macy as a biker... it's hard NOT to go see this
     
  4. Workshed

    Workshed a.k.a. Villyan Shit

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    Great review. Seeing clips from Revolta on Ellen was enough to convince me not to see this. His face has ballooned to Xenu Size and he is so smiley. Creepy.
     
  5. bigdaddyhorse

    bigdaddyhorse Detroit Hi-on

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    Great review!
    Pretty much exactly what I expected this flick to be, shit.

    Thanks for the warning, sorry for your suffering.
     
  6. Ash J. Williams

    Ash J. Williams New Member

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    You're welcome, father.

    Thanks to everyone but Spacevis. I'm warning you, man; you might die.
     
  7. kiddvideo

    kiddvideo New Member

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    It is really sad to see that the film opened in the top spot with over $38 million dollars :cry:
     
  8. zompirejoe

    zompirejoe Member

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    That's because most moviegoers are idiots ( myself included). I've been duped into seeing movies that sell you on the advertising, only to find out i just wasted a shitload of money. This movie didn't even look halfway decent though, so go figure .....
     
  9. MorallySound

    MorallySound Mad Mutilator

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    Is this a true story? Cause it seems to be about men going through a midlife crisis, but I'm sure its true cause the actors would have to be going through the same thing to even make this movie.
     
  10. Ash J. Williams

    Ash J. Williams New Member

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    I strongly doubt a "Comedy" about 4 midlife men getting into wacky situations with rival bikers and saving a small town by simply not dying while being pummelled repeatedly and savagely is based on a real-life event.

    People want money, they'll make crappy movies; such is the way of the world. Though, Travolta is noticably thinner than he has been of late - most likely due to his being in Hairspray this year.
     
  11. Kolpitz

    Kolpitz Purely and Simply Evil

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    I'm a manager at a movie theater and I got stuck in box office a few times this weekend. This was the only movie drawing people in and everytime someone said "One ticket for Wild Hogs," I just wanted to ask "Why?" Either that or pull their head through the glass in front of me. :evil:
     
  12. Ash J. Williams

    Ash J. Williams New Member

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    I posted this on imdb two days ago to rave reviews. Just now, however, someone gave me a response I didn't appreciate. Here is the "Discussion"

    He:

    I hate people like you who think that just because it is in a movie and might be dangerous, it sets a bad example for kids. Shut up already. Everything else was a pretty good recap

    I:

    You hate "People like me," and yet, you completely missed the point, and thusly, included me in a catagory which I personally can't stand.

    The idea that something is in a madcap comedy automatically takes away any meaning it may have to intelligent people. When I say "This sets a good example," as I do in the review, quite sardonically and cynically, I do not mean to give the impression that I give value to anything in the film. Hell, I love slapstick humor, and humor that's just meant to show the worst possible scenario in any given situation. That being said, Wild hogs is not a madcap anything, and it's certainly not a comedy.

    Those who see a movie like this and comment about how people hurting themselves can be emulated by children are correct, but if you're going to a movie advertised as Wild Hogs has been, and you are surprised and insulted by anything in it, you don't deserve to breathe. In this respect, you are correct - but your interpretation of my intended meaning couldn't have been more incorrect.

    Kids see Beavis and Butthead playing with matches, so they burn their house down. This is an emulation of a parody of themselves. I'm using this as an example, because it is a perfect instance in which a character (or two, in this case) was invented to parodize a group of people, and as it turned out, that very same group didn't realize that they were being mocked, and instead associated with and idolized the character. This leads to emulation, which leads to angry parents and support groups speaking out against Beavis and Butthead, which leads to the cancellation of Beavis and Butthead.

    That you would think I were giving any sort of value to the moral stances of Wild Hogs is, quite frankly, insulting. This is a movie that tries so desperately to be funny and clever, but simply comes off as stooping to the lowest common denominator, and exploiting the intelligent and observative members of its audiences. This is not something poignant and well-aimed like Beavis and Butthead or South Park; it is something ridiculous, something awful, and something which, were it to be emulated by anyone, would make me fear for the longevity of humankind.

    I hate people like me, too.
     
    Last edited: Mar 5, 2007
  13. Ash J. Williams

    Ash J. Williams New Member

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    And it continues.... [AKA: The IMDb boards suck]


    The latest batch of responses are in, and here's what I have to say to them (the first one doesn't fit in with the others):


    word2urmommaz:

    "This impresses the town and they decide to bring all their baseball bats and clubs and maces and axes and chain saws and flamethrowers out to face the group of 50."

    Probably the funniest line i have read on imdb. i usually dont read long reviews on movies i have no intention to see but your caught my eye, and i am glad it did. thank you humansrpeopletoo. i love you and your work


    Saul (me): Thanks for the kind words, they mean a lot to me and they validate the investment of time and thought in my work. I mean it, thanks


    robbyrns:

    Wow, humansRpeopletoo, you really need to lighten up.
    I havent seen the movie yet, but I plan too.
    Are you the type who believes kids committed suicide because of an and Ozzy, or Judas Priest song?
    There are stupid people everywhere. And if someone goes and See's a comedy and then emulates a scene that was in the movie and gets hurt. Than they deserve it! Idiots will always be idiots.
    I suppose every time someone jumps off a cliff it was because of those road runner cartoons they were exposed to as children.

    People like you, (protectionist) are the reason our insurance rates are so high.


    Saul:

    Did you even read my last message? I was making the same point you just made - it's the fault of the idiot in question, not the film/book/TV show. My point was that while Beavis and Butthead were invented as spoofs of a culture, and were subsequently emulated, Wild Hogs is not pointed. It's not aimed, it's not a parody of anything and it's certainly not something that I could see being imitated. Constant slapstick is fine, I love the stuff, but when your entire script relies so heavily on it that there's no room for real, pointed comedy, then you've lost me.

    The Gay Cop is a perfect example of this - he's a gay cop. He's meant to inspire nervous laughter from the audience, and he gets it - that's what worries me. If people think stereotypical, easy, lazy humor is funny, then Wild Hogs deserves to be labeled an exploitation film, because it's exploiting something far worse than our culture's lust for blood and sex - it's exploiting our admiration and incessant funding of mediocrity and bottom-of-the-barrel thrills and spills.


    Denise Damiano:

    [...]But seriously, humansRpeopletoo, you spent an enormous amount of time on something you disdained. Couldn't your time have been better spent doing something (anything) else?


    Saul:

    "Couldn't my time have been spent better doing anything else?" That's offensive to me, honestly. I've invested time and energy into a thoroughly negative review of something I, like you say, despise. But here we are, discussing it. There have been several posters so far who have commended me on my points and on my satire. Hell, one person said a simple sentence I wrote was the funniest thing he'd ever read on the Internet Movie Database. So, in answer to your question, "No." I've written something that I'm proud of to help express something I feel strongly about, and I've done it with more wit and ingenuity than in the movie in question.

    Why don't you ask the makers of Wild Hogs if they could have spent their time better doing something else? My answer to that question would be "Absolutely," but since "Better" is a subjective term open to discussion every time it is used, I don't know what they'd say, and I wouldn't blame them if they were also offended by your inquiry. I hated this movie, and I expressed myself the best way I know how - Why don't you lay off the cynicism and not say anything negative... Unless it's CONSTRUCTIVE?
     
  14. Ash J. Williams

    Ash J. Williams New Member

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    More of me!

    "kalinoskij" says...

    humansRpeopletoo..... get a f&%^$%^ life, you over dramtic prick. There is no way you could of possible hated the movie as much as you have tried to point out in that terribly long review of yours. It's sickening to see how much you try to sound like a expert, and this "false emotion" and care you show for the industry. this movie is advertised and aimed at a particular audience, those who are or soon will be going through the dreaded midlife crisis, and are looking for ways to feel young again. Furthermore, why did you see a movie that you knew you would most certainly not like, to simply create an opportunity to bitch n moan about it on IMDB. My opinion is you find something better to do with your time, like say talk to a girl or join some cult that has an oath of silence so I and others will never have to hear or read anything that's going through that empty head of yours.

    And what did I say?

    Well, kalinoskij, let's break down all your arguments one by one, shall we?

    First, you tell me to get a f&%^S%^ life, and you refer to me as an "over dramtic prick." Touche. Giving you that A as a gift would still make me an "over dramatic prick," which, grammatically, means nothing. The phrase would have to be written as "Over-dramatic prick," or "Overly dramatic prick." You criticize me for "Trying to sound like an expert," which, perhaps, is true. But, the thing is, you see, I'm not an IDIOT. Grammar aside, you make a remark about how I [couldn't have possibly hated] the movie as much as I tried to convey. Might I ask you, good sir, if you are psychic? You are making a definitive statement, and you are doing so using information you clearly DO NOT have. And, if you are a psychic, I'll have you sued for fraud, since I honestly, truthfully hated the movie just as much as I said I did.

    You make reference to my "False emotion" and care I show for the filmmaking industry. Now, unlike you, I can't make a blunt, definitive statement like "I'll have you know that I've had more filmmaking experience and am familiar with more knowledge on the subject in my 18 years of life than you ever will in your whole f&%^$%^ existence." I don't know this. You might make this statement, and mean it as a profound fact, but since I have no idea who you are, how old you are, or what experience you've had in the field, I can't do so. Instead, I'll just tell you that I've in all likelihood had more filmmaking experience, and am familiar with more knowledge on the subject in my 18 years of life than you ever will in your whole, pitiful, diminuitive existence. That's what logic dictates.

    You move on to tell me what age group this movie is aimed at. I'm going to tell you one very important thing to know on this matter: the film is aimed at anyone with dollars in their wallets. If that happens to be a 37-year-old man about to enter a mid-life crisis, he may identify with the film. But if it's the 12-29-year-old target audience, who have money burning holes in their pockets and want to kill some time on a Friday night, the studio gets the EXACT SAME AMOUNT OF MONEY. Barring a buck for a student or a senior, the studio can get the same amount of money from everyone who pays to see their unintuitive, generic crapfest. The movie's PG-13 for a reason, believe me.

    Why did I see the movie? Because I thought, or at the least, hoped, that it would be Funny, Entertaining, or at the very least, Not Boring and Unnervingly Stupid. It was neither of the first two, and both of the rest. Couple this with the already indicated fact that my idiot brother wanted to see Wild Hogs or nothing, so I still haven't seen Zodiac. You should learn to pay attention to what people tell you, you thick moron.

    Talk to a girl? That's a good idea. Mind giving me a few pointers on that, Hot Shot? I'm sure all chicks go for the Shallow, Uncaringly Cruel, and Stupid Type. I'm not being sarcastic; I mean what I just said.

    Taking a vow of silence would not prevent my fingers from using my keyboard, you poor bastard.
     

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