baggio
07-10-2006, 07:51 PM
Horror Movie Clichés that they say need to be stop:
Children Singing
Movies: Nightmare on Elm Street, The Blair Witch Project, Children of the Corn
One, two think of something new. Three, four this isn't scary any more. Five, six…seriously, it worked for Nightmare on Elm Street, but it's 2006 and it's going to take a lot more than a whispery version of "Bah, Bah, Black Sheep" to spill our popcorn.
Violin Music
Movies: The Shining, Psycho, every other movie ever made
Except for a short period in the '80s when synthesizers ruled, screechy violins have been sitting atop the horror world for way too long. It's not that they aren't a good fit—we just think it's kind of a cop-out to use an instrument that sounds like a pig being slaughtered even when played by a seasoned professional. We'll be impressed when someone makes the ukulele scary.
Bathtubs/showers
Movies: Body Snatchers, The Ring Two, Dark Water, What Lies Beneath, Slither, The Grudge
What makes bathing scenes so popular in horror? Could it be the sense of vulnerability we all feel while bathing? Could it be the thought-free justification of gratuitous nudity? Could it be that no one in Hollywood is screwed up enough to think of a new room in which to spill blood? Our guess is all of the above.
Staticky TV
Movies: Poltergeist, White Noise, The Ring, Pulse
When we see a TV deprived of quality cable programming, we feel sad, not scared.
Satan
Movies: The Exorcist, The Omen, Salem's Lot, Prince of Darkness, Rosemary's Baby, The Amityville Horror, Angel Heart
The Prince of Darkness (the actual prince, not the movie) has a pretty good track record when it comes to appearing on heavy metal records, but his choice of movie appearances isn't quite up to snuff. There have been a couple of great ones, but after watching The Exorcism of Emily Rose, we're a little wary that we might have sold our soul to a falling star.
Hillbillies
Movies: The Hills Have Eyes, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, House of Wax, Motel Hell, House of 1000 Corpses
It's really unfair to assume every person who lives in a dilapidated shack, at the bottom of a hill, with no teeth, bare feet, one eye, a bunch of rotting chicken carcasses instead of a carpet, and a lampshade made of human skin is some kind of weirdo. Erase the hate, people.
Masks
Movies: Friday the 13th, Halloween, Scream, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre
It doesn't seem like someone willing to go on a murderous rampage should be all that worried about covering up hideous scars or protecting his identity. Trust us, people are going to be too worried about trying to shove their intestines back into their torso to notice a clogged pore or two.
Circus/Clowns
Movies: Nightbreed, Something Wicked This Way Comes, It, Saw, Poltergeist, S.I.C.K., Clownhouse, Freaks
Sure, we were scared of clowns…when we were like two! Burn! But seriously, how could anyone find these whimsical, beer-soaked ex-husbands anything other than hilarious? It's time to start picking on another irritating, aging performer with a painted face. We hear Gene Simmons is available.
M. Night Shyamalan
Movies: Lady in the Water, The Village, Signs, Unbreakable, The Sixth Sense
Ask anyone what they think about M. Night Shyamalan and they'll inevitably say, "Well, The Sixth Sense was pretty good, I guess. I figured it out right at the beginning, though. I didn't say it out loud or anything…but I was thinking it the whole time. Other than that, The Village fuckin' sucked." We're hoping his next movie has a really surprising twist ending that's not really stupid. We're not holding our breath, though.
Bad Priests
Movies: Poltergeist II, Children of the Corn, The Blob, Silver Bullet
You can't blame a guy for going on a killing spree or two, especially when you consider the fact that his religious obligations will forever prevent him from getting his trombone rusty. But it's time to move on to rampaging rabbis or throat-slashing Scientologists.
Prisons
Movies: Horror Show, Body Parts, Shocker, Alien 3, Prison
If HBO has taught us anything, it's that exercise yard shankings and routine rape have made jail scary enough as it is. There's no need to rub any more salt in the perforated anus by adding ghosts, ghouls, and other monsters not serving time for petty computer fraud.
Children Singing
Movies: Nightmare on Elm Street, The Blair Witch Project, Children of the Corn
One, two think of something new. Three, four this isn't scary any more. Five, six…seriously, it worked for Nightmare on Elm Street, but it's 2006 and it's going to take a lot more than a whispery version of "Bah, Bah, Black Sheep" to spill our popcorn.
Violin Music
Movies: The Shining, Psycho, every other movie ever made
Except for a short period in the '80s when synthesizers ruled, screechy violins have been sitting atop the horror world for way too long. It's not that they aren't a good fit—we just think it's kind of a cop-out to use an instrument that sounds like a pig being slaughtered even when played by a seasoned professional. We'll be impressed when someone makes the ukulele scary.
Bathtubs/showers
Movies: Body Snatchers, The Ring Two, Dark Water, What Lies Beneath, Slither, The Grudge
What makes bathing scenes so popular in horror? Could it be the sense of vulnerability we all feel while bathing? Could it be the thought-free justification of gratuitous nudity? Could it be that no one in Hollywood is screwed up enough to think of a new room in which to spill blood? Our guess is all of the above.
Staticky TV
Movies: Poltergeist, White Noise, The Ring, Pulse
When we see a TV deprived of quality cable programming, we feel sad, not scared.
Satan
Movies: The Exorcist, The Omen, Salem's Lot, Prince of Darkness, Rosemary's Baby, The Amityville Horror, Angel Heart
The Prince of Darkness (the actual prince, not the movie) has a pretty good track record when it comes to appearing on heavy metal records, but his choice of movie appearances isn't quite up to snuff. There have been a couple of great ones, but after watching The Exorcism of Emily Rose, we're a little wary that we might have sold our soul to a falling star.
Hillbillies
Movies: The Hills Have Eyes, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, House of Wax, Motel Hell, House of 1000 Corpses
It's really unfair to assume every person who lives in a dilapidated shack, at the bottom of a hill, with no teeth, bare feet, one eye, a bunch of rotting chicken carcasses instead of a carpet, and a lampshade made of human skin is some kind of weirdo. Erase the hate, people.
Masks
Movies: Friday the 13th, Halloween, Scream, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre
It doesn't seem like someone willing to go on a murderous rampage should be all that worried about covering up hideous scars or protecting his identity. Trust us, people are going to be too worried about trying to shove their intestines back into their torso to notice a clogged pore or two.
Circus/Clowns
Movies: Nightbreed, Something Wicked This Way Comes, It, Saw, Poltergeist, S.I.C.K., Clownhouse, Freaks
Sure, we were scared of clowns…when we were like two! Burn! But seriously, how could anyone find these whimsical, beer-soaked ex-husbands anything other than hilarious? It's time to start picking on another irritating, aging performer with a painted face. We hear Gene Simmons is available.
M. Night Shyamalan
Movies: Lady in the Water, The Village, Signs, Unbreakable, The Sixth Sense
Ask anyone what they think about M. Night Shyamalan and they'll inevitably say, "Well, The Sixth Sense was pretty good, I guess. I figured it out right at the beginning, though. I didn't say it out loud or anything…but I was thinking it the whole time. Other than that, The Village fuckin' sucked." We're hoping his next movie has a really surprising twist ending that's not really stupid. We're not holding our breath, though.
Bad Priests
Movies: Poltergeist II, Children of the Corn, The Blob, Silver Bullet
You can't blame a guy for going on a killing spree or two, especially when you consider the fact that his religious obligations will forever prevent him from getting his trombone rusty. But it's time to move on to rampaging rabbis or throat-slashing Scientologists.
Prisons
Movies: Horror Show, Body Parts, Shocker, Alien 3, Prison
If HBO has taught us anything, it's that exercise yard shankings and routine rape have made jail scary enough as it is. There's no need to rub any more salt in the perforated anus by adding ghosts, ghouls, and other monsters not serving time for petty computer fraud.