Celebrity Deathmatch #5: Chuck Norris VS Steven Seagal

[satans-sadists]

In the latest Celebrity Deathmatch event, we have:

Chuck Norris

VS

Steven Seagal

[DopeChamberX]

It's all about the Chuck!!!:banana:

[maskull]

I'm no expert on either of them but I have to admit that I've never been much of a fan of either of them.

[othervoice1]

Don't F&&k with Chuck!

[satans-sadists]

Chuck is the much better martial artist and in all fairness, Steven Seagal is too slow to defend himself against the almighty Chuck Norris roundhouse kick!

[lethalkrs]

This should be the biggest landslide win yet. Chuck of course.

[onebyone]

Chuck Norris. Duh.

[satans-sadists]

Chuck Norris. Duh.

Duh?

Isn't that the line of dialogue most uttered by Seagal in his acting career? :lol:

[Agent Z]

I need to score this one out via point system, before getting to the actual tale of the tape:

Chuck Norris gets points for:

Lethal hula skirt drawings (http://youtube.com/watch?v=BhoJvfX9Emo) + 1

Getting his ass kicked by Bruce Lee (http://youtube.com/watch?v=eAd9C98N5cM). No, seriously: that's an HONOR! + 1

Chuck Norris Karate Kommandos (http://youtube.com/watch?v=kpkQ57xdVng) + 1

Code of Silence + 1

Walker, Texas Ranger cheese + 1

Being the inspiration for a running joke on internet forums + 1


Norris loses points for:

Being a tool for Total Gym - 1

Walker, Texas Ranger - 1

Being the inspiration for a running joke on internet forums - 1


Total: 3



Steven Seagal gets points for:

Slapping Jay Leno, while being interviewed on The Tonight Show + 1

Above the Law + 1

Marked for Death + 1

Kelly LeBrock + 1

Laughing in the Face of Fashion (http://www.gibsonshowcase.com/bealestreet/photos/segallmick3a.jpg) + 1

Being an animal rights activist ( see: "Mystical Dog Incident" (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Steven_Seagal#Mystical_dog_incident) ) + 1

Being in one of my dreams + 1


Seagal loses points for:

Being a tool for Lightning Bolt (http://www.lightningdrink.com/) - 1

Being a tool for Mountain Dew (http://youtube.com/watch?v=9VYLCP0JeIU) - 1

Getting bitchslapped by the mob (http://www.crimelibrary.com/criminal_mind/scams/steven_seagal/index.html) - 1

Kelly LeBrock - 1

Total: 3

So, out of the ring, a dead heat.

In the ring however, it's no contest: Chuck has been staying in shape with his complimentary Total Gym, while Seagal has let a rocky life of bigamy, mob ties, poor career choices, and extra buffet servings saddle his frame and spirit with too much weight to evade the inevitable tide of Norris.

Prediction: Chuck Norris, with a first round knockout and beatdown of Seagal with a Total Gym 1000.

[satans-sadists]

I need to score this one out via point system, before getting to the actual tale of the tape:

Chuck Norris gets points for:

Lethal hula skirt drawings (http://youtube.com/watch?v=BhoJvfX9Emo) + 1

Getting his ass kicked by Bruce Lee (http://youtube.com/watch?v=eAd9C98N5cM). No, seriously: that's an HONOR! + 1

Chuck Norris Karate Kommandos (http://youtube.com/watch?v=kpkQ57xdVng) + 1

Code of Silence + 1

Walker, Texas Ranger cheese + 1

Being the inspiration for a running joke on internet forums + 1


Norris loses points for:

Being a tool for Total Gym - 1

Walker, Texas Ranger - 1

Being the inspiration for a running joke on internet forums - 1


Total: 3



Steven Seagal gets points for:

Slapping Jay Leno, while being interviewed on The Tonight Show + 1

Above the Law + 1

Marked for Death + 1

Kelly LeBrock + 1

Laughing in the Face of Fashion (http://www.gibsonshowcase.com/bealestreet/photos/segallmick3a.jpg) + 1

Animal rights activist ( see: "Mystical Dog Incident" (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Steven_Seagal#Mystical_dog_incident) ) + 1

Being in one of my dreams + 1


Seagal loses points for:

Being a tool for Lightning Bolt (http://www.lightningdrink.com/) - 1

Being a tool for Mountain Dew (http://youtube.com/watch?v=9VYLCP0JeIU) - 1

Getting bitchslapped by the mob (http://www.crimelibrary.com/criminal_mind/scams/steven_seagal/index.html) - 1

Kelly LeBrock - 1

Total: 3

So, out of the ring, a dead heat.

In the ring however, it's no contest: Chuck has been staying in shape with his complimentary Total Gym, while Seagal has let a rocky life of bigamy, mob ties, poor career choices, and extra buffet servings saddle his frame and spirit with too much weight to evade the inevitable tide of Norris.

Prediction: Chuck Norris, with a first round knockout and beatdown of Seagal with a Total Gym 1000.

Wow! I loved the way you thought this one through and your meticulous point judgement system. Could not have done this better myself.

I totally agree with you about it being an honor getting your ass kicked by Bruce Lee. In fact many of the more famous actors to get beat up by Lee in movies were personal students of his (Chuck Norris, Kareem Abdul Jabar, etc). I've studied martial arts a long time and couldn't think of a greater honor, scary as it would be!

Thanks for your awesome reply here! :D

[Erick H.]

With all due respect,Chuck Norris is far and away the more accomplished martial artist.Chuck,all the way.

[JW77]

Gotta give the edge to Seagall... "Above the Law" was the best movie that either of them have ever been in.

And Chuck Norris loses points for being the inspiration for all of the trailer park ninjas* I used to know in high school.

_____________
* "trailer park ninja" is a white trash guy who read "Black Belt" magazine, and had nunchuks and throwing stars.

[thrashard76]

Steven Seagal

[Katatonia]

I like some Seagal films... but come on, Chuck would kick his ass all over the place.

[Hellbilly]

Being a tool for Mountain Dew (http://youtube.com/watch?v=9VYLCP0JeIU) - 1

That should be a + 1 because that commercial was funny :lol:

[Mok]

MissionZ, you forgot Segal gets a point for getting killed at the beginning of Executive Decision.

[Ash28M]

I've always thought I could kick Steven Seagal ass. So I would have to give it to Chuck.

[bigdaddyhorse]

MissionZ, you forgot Segal gets a point for getting killed at the beginning of Executive Decision.

That was unexpexted and pretty cool.

How does he get + & - for Kelly LeBrock though. She's all positive baby!:sperm:

[Mok]

That was unexpexted and pretty cool.:

Totally. At the time I was happy I wasn't about to see a Steven Seagal cheese-fest, but watching it again recently, I kind of hoped he would somehow make it into the plane. Maybe he should be in more movies as a supporting role? :)

[Workshed]

I think Chuck gets way too much credit. This is the guy who writes Christian books for children (http://www.christianbook.com/Christian/Books/search?author=Chuck%20Norris&detailed_search=1&action=Search), so he can't be all that bad-ass.

From the man's own website: (http://www.chucknorris.com/html/christian.aspx)

Norris married a Christian woman named Gena and, through her witness, rededicated his life to Jesus Christ eight years ago. The actor says the Holy Spirit has filled the emptiness he had and has given his life new meaning. He is now an advocate for getting the Bible back into the public school curriculum.

Pshh. Steven Seagal could/should kick this guy's ass.

[rhett]

Seagal wins for that beat-down with an 8-ball in a sock in OUT FOR JUSTICE alone.

[satans-sadists]

Nobody has mentioned this, but Seagal deserves at least a point off for recording a blues album. :nervous: I first read about this last year in Black Belt Magazine.

[Luna]

Norris for me, though JW77's description of his fans cracked me up. I'm iffy on the whole Bible thing, though Seagal loses a bunch of points for beating his wife.

[satans-sadists]

Norris for me, though JW77's description of his fans cracked me up. I'm iffy on the whole Bible thing, though Seagal loses a bunch of points for beating his wife.

I thought I remembered reading that years ago. Didn't Seagal beat up Kelly LeBrock? What kind of martial artist beats up their wife?

Chuck Norris would not approve of shit like that! :fuck:

[Workshed]

I thought I remembered reading that years ago. Didn't Seagal beat up Kelly LeBrock? What kind of martial artist beats up their wife?

Chuck Norris would not approve of shit like that! :fuck:

Chuck Norris would also most likely not approve of oral sex.

Steven Seagal will fight anything, be it woman, man, car keys, The Blues, taxes, or a shoe. There is no right or wrong in Steven Seagal's world of fighting. All things are Enemy. All things must eventually submit. This is why Seagal would beat up Chuck Norris.

[onebyone]

Chuck Norris would also most likely not approve of oral sex.

Steven Seagal will fight anything, be it woman, man, car keys, The Blues, taxes, or a shoe. There is no right or wrong in Steven Seagal's world of fighting. All things are Enemy. All things must eventually submit. This is why Seagal would beat up Chuck Norris.

:lol:

Have you seen him lately? Seagal is a tired looking porker who would be out of breath in no time. He may be able to beat up a skinny drunk girl who is worried about her manicure, but that's about it.

So, Chuck Norris now kicks ass for the Lord. Big whoop. He still kicks ass.

Nobody has mentioned this, but Seagal deserves at least a point off for recording a blues album. :nervous: I first read about this last year in Black Belt Magazine.

Oh dear lord. (http://www.performancephotography.com/zimg-p5/pf20060526/060526d1-7099.jpg)

[satans-sadists]

:lol:

Have you seen him lately? Seagal is a tired looking porker who would be out of breath in no time. He may be able to beat up a skinny drunk girl who is worried about her manicure, but that's about it.

So, Chuck Norris now kicks ass for the Lord. Big whoop. He still kicks ass.



Oh dear lord. (http://www.performancephotography.com/zimg-p5/pf20060526/060526d1-7099.jpg)

I'm not the least bit religious, but Chuck Norris will always have my respect for being the better martial artist...not some paunchy has-been who beats up on women!

[Workshed]

I'm not the least bit religious, but Chuck Norris will always have my respect for being the better martial artist...not some paunchy has-been who beats up on women!

Oh yeah? Well, what about this:

http://bushlibrary.tamu.edu/photos/images/19972503-02A.jpg

Unless ol' Chuckie is attempting to create a black hole by sucking in an impossible amount of air, I'd say he's lookin' mighty chummy here.

I ask you, which is more frightening.

http://www.performancephotography.com/zimg-p5/pf20060526/060526d1-7099.jpg

:lol:

[onebyone]

If I am picking the winner in a fight, I'll take Chuck and Bush Inc. over a paunchy, wife beating, seemingly arthritic, can't hold a guitar, James Vanderbeek forehead having wanna be blues star any day of the week.

In fact, what they are laughing about in that picture is the very idea that Seagal could beat Chuck's ass.

Of course, we all know that Dick Cheney could beat all of their asses, but that's a whole different poll.

[Workshed]

If I am picking the winner in a fight, I'll take Chuck and Bush Inc. over a paunchy, wife beating, seemingly arthritic, can't hold a guitar, James Vanderbeek forehead having wanna be blues star any day of the week.

In fact, what they are laughing about in that picture is the very idea that Seagal could beat Chuck's ass.

Of course, we all know that Dick Cheney could beat all of their asses, but that's a whole different poll.

Holy shit! :lol: I'm dying. Fine, you win.

[satans-sadists]

If I am picking the winner in a fight, I'll take Chuck and Bush Inc. over a paunchy, wife beating, seemingly arthritic, can't hold a guitar, James Vanderbeek forehead having wanna be blues star any day of the week.

In fact, what they are laughing about in that picture is the very idea that Seagal could beat Chuck's ass.

Of course, we all know that Dick Cheney could beat all of their asses, but that's a whole different poll.

Thanks onebyone! :glasses:

I won't even try to top that one. :lol: :lol: I strongly agree with everything you said!

[Agent Z]

That should be a + 1 because that commercial was funny :lol:

The commercial is funny. Selling out? Not so much.

MissionZ, you forgot Segal gets a point for getting killed at the beginning of Executive Decision.

I haven't seen Executive Decision yet, and now I don't need to. :p

How does he get + & - for Kelly LeBrock though. She's all positive baby!:sperm:

I should have clarified: Seagal gets a point for marrying her, but loses the point for the ugly divorce and spousal abuse. Blech!

Keep in mind guys, the research for the Norris/Seagal matchup is ongoing and a lifetime of work.

In many instances, points that are awarded are just as easily cancelled out in the same category.

Example: Whereas Under Siege garners an easy point for Seagal, that point gained is just as easily lost with Under Siege 2.

[JW77]

He does sort of look like James Vanderbeek.

[Luna]

This thread exploded in funny while I was gone. :lol:

[bigdaddyhorse]

I should have clarified: Seagal gets a point for marrying her, but loses the point for the ugly divorce and spousal abuse. Blech!



Oh man, somehow I never heard about this. Now I want to kick his ass.
I probably would if Kelly would drop the restraining order, divorce whoever she's married to now, and return my calls.:rolleyes::D

[Agent Z]

I probably would if Kelly would drop the restraining order, divorce whoever she's married to now, and return my calls.:rolleyes::D


This brings up a whole other can of worms.

You have a restraining order served against you from Kelly Lebrock.

I have a retraining order also from Kelly.

As do several men and women.

So, if Kelly were to divorce, drop all the restraining orders at the same time, would there be an unwritten rule of sportsmanship as to which stalker would have first dibs on advancing?

Would it come down to the senority of the expired restraining orders themselves? As in, the person who had a restraining put against them first would get the first crack at Kelly?

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v676/MissionCodeZ/39.gif

[bigdaddyhorse]

This brings up a whole other can of worms.

You have a restraining order served against you from Kelly Lebrock.

I have a retraining order also from Kelly.

As do several men and women.

So, if Kelly were to divorce, drop all the restraining orders at the same time, would there be an unwritten rule of sportsmanship as to which stalker would have first dibs on advancing?

Would it come down to the senority of the expired restraining orders themselves? As in, the person who had a restraining put against them first would get the first crack at Kelly?

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v676/MissionCodeZ/39.gif

Mine dates back to 1987/88, right after I saw Weird Science for the first time on cable.:p

Of course since I'm more than happy with my GF Stacy, her and I would have to discuss if Kelly falls onto the "list". Since I forgot to bring Kelly up when compiling said "list", I'll politely pass my opition on to you.;)

[Mok]

I haven't seen Executive Decision yet, and now I don't need to. :p

Shit dude I'm sorry.
I figured this movie was old enough now that this trivia was public knowledge. :(

[fceurich39]

dont really like either went with chuck norris though