Celebrity Deathmatch #5: Chuck Norris VS Steven Seagal

[satans-sadists]

In the latest Celebrity Deathmatch event, we have:

Chuck Norris

VS

Steven Seagal

It's all about the Chuck!!!

[maskull]

I'm no expert on either of them but I have to admit that I've never been much of a fan of either of them.

[othervoice1]

Don't F&&k with Chuck!

[satans-sadists]

Chuck is the much better martial artist and in all fairness, Steven Seagal is too slow to defend himself against the almighty Chuck Norris roundhouse kick!

This should be the biggest landslide win yet. Chuck of course.

Chuck Norris. Duh.

[satans-sadists]

Originally Posted by onebyone

Chuck Norris. Duh.

Duh?

Isn't that the line of dialogue most uttered by Seagal in his acting career?

[Agent Z]

I need to score this one out via point system, before getting to the actual tale of the tape:

Chuck Norris gets points for:

Lethal hula skirt drawings + 1

Getting his ass kicked by Bruce Lee. No, seriously: that's an HONOR! + 1

Chuck Norris Karate Kommandos + 1

Code of Silence + 1

Walker, Texas Ranger cheese + 1

Being the inspiration for a running joke on internet forums + 1


Norris loses points for:

Being a tool for Total Gym - 1

Walker, Texas Ranger - 1

Being the inspiration for a running joke on internet forums - 1


Total: 3



Steven Seagal gets points for:

Slapping Jay Leno, while being interviewed on The Tonight Show + 1

Above the Law + 1

Marked for Death + 1

Kelly LeBrock + 1

Laughing in the Face of Fashion + 1

Being an animal rights activist ( see: "Mystical Dog Incident" ) + 1

Being in one of my dreams + 1


Seagal loses points for:

Being a tool for Lightning Bolt - 1

Being a tool for Mountain Dew - 1

Getting bitchslapped by the mob - 1

Kelly LeBrock - 1

Total: 3

So, out of the ring, a dead heat.

In the ring however, it's no contest: Chuck has been staying in shape with his complimentary Total Gym, while Seagal has let a rocky life of bigamy, mob ties, poor career choices, and extra buffet servings saddle his frame and spirit with too much weight to evade the inevitable tide of Norris.

Prediction: Chuck Norris, with a first round knockout and beatdown of Seagal with a Total Gym 1000.

[satans-sadists]

Originally Posted by Mission Code Z

I need to score this one out via point system, before getting to the actual tale of the tape:

Chuck Norris gets points for:

Lethal hula skirt drawings + 1

Getting his ass kicked by Bruce Lee. No, seriously: that's an HONOR! + 1

Chuck Norris Karate Kommandos + 1

Code of Silence + 1

Walker, Texas Ranger cheese + 1

Being the inspiration for a running joke on internet forums + 1


Norris loses points for:

Being a tool for Total Gym - 1

Walker, Texas Ranger - 1

Being the inspiration for a running joke on internet forums - 1


Total: 3



Steven Seagal gets points for:

Slapping Jay Leno, while being interviewed on The Tonight Show + 1

Above the Law + 1

Marked for Death + 1

Kelly LeBrock + 1

Laughing in the Face of Fashion + 1

Animal rights activist ( see: "Mystical Dog Incident" ) + 1

Being in one of my dreams + 1


Seagal loses points for:

Being a tool for Lightning Bolt - 1

Being a tool for Mountain Dew - 1

Getting bitchslapped by the mob - 1

Kelly LeBrock - 1

Total: 3

So, out of the ring, a dead heat.

In the ring however, it's no contest: Chuck has been staying in shape with his complimentary Total Gym, while Seagal has let a rocky life of bigamy, mob ties, poor career choices, and extra buffet servings saddle his frame and spirit with too much weight to evade the inevitable tide of Norris.

Prediction: Chuck Norris, with a first round knockout and beatdown of Seagal with a Total Gym 1000.

Wow! I loved the way you thought this one through and your meticulous point judgement system. Could not have done this better myself.

I totally agree with you about it being an honor getting your ass kicked by Bruce Lee. In fact many of the more famous actors to get beat up by Lee in movies were personal students of his (Chuck Norris, Kareem Abdul Jabar, etc). I've studied martial arts a long time and couldn't think of a greater honor, scary as it would be!

Thanks for your awesome reply here!

[Erick H.]

With all due respect,Chuck Norris is far and away the more accomplished martial artist.Chuck,all the way.

[JW77]

Gotta give the edge to Seagall... "Above the Law" was the best movie that either of them have ever been in.

And Chuck Norris loses points for being the inspiration for all of the trailer park ninjas* I used to know in high school.

_____________
* "trailer park ninja" is a white trash guy who read "Black Belt" magazine, and had nunchuks and throwing stars.

Steven Seagal

[Katatonia]

I like some Seagal films... but come on, Chuck would kick his ass all over the place.

[Hellbilly]

Originally Posted by Mission Code Z

Being a tool for Mountain Dew - 1

That should be a + 1 because that commercial was funny